Twerking Monkeys
by Two Guns and a Knife
Summary: Nah, that's not how the story ends, Cupcakes. A crazy little story full of doubts, unfortunate and unlucky accidents and events, indecision, and sad mad people. Theme Song: A Matter Of Trust by Billy Joel. HEA? Maybe. No animals were harmed in the marking of this unexpected journey, BTW.
1. But Darling, We All Came From Chimpanzee

**But Darling, We All Came From ****Chimpanzees**

She can't believe her eyes.

Her dear husband is having sex with a tall slim woman on the brand new kitchen table right in front of her eyes. Suddenly all she can remember is their wedding vows. She can still see the gentleness in his eyes. She can still smell the beautiful flowers. To have and to hold. From this day forward. For better, for worse. For richer, for poorer. In sickness and in health. The sky was so blue and so bright. She was so young and so beautiful. They were so happy and so hopeful. Until death do us part. Love. Rings. Promises. Lie. Joke. A slap in her face. How she wishes she has a gun in her purse. She chokes on her silent tears when she recognizes that woman. No. No. No. This can't be happening. Surely, there must be a mistake. Nobody—life, fate, God, or whoever is in charge—can be that cruel. The shopping bags and keys drop from her limp hand. Her husband and the other woman, breathing heavily, startled by the sound, turn their heads toward her.

"Oh my God. Oh my God. Oh my God." The naked woman, with those thin long legs wrapped around her husband's hairy torso, squeaks.

"Wait, Helen. I can explain." Frank, still deep inside Angie Morelli, actually pales.

She stands there, staring at them with wide reddened eyes, and struggles for words. She was here to add a finish touch for Stephanie and Joe's future home. On the way here she was humming a song. All the pot roasts and mashed potatoes. All the home-baked cookies, pies, and cakes. All the busy afternoons. All the pastas and gravy boats. All the whiskey inside her kitchen cabinet. With great will power she swallows a wail. With trembling hands she fishes out her phone, takes several quick photos, and posts them on her Facebook wall. For all to judge. For all to see. She doesn't give a damn anymore. She then, calmly, despite the pleading and begging, pushes the button and makes the call.

"Joe?" In a soft voice Helen Plum informs her most recent Facebook friend as the tangled naked bodies tumble from the table. "The wedding is off."


	2. Eek Eek Eek

**Eek. Eek. Eek.**

Silence swallows them all for 15 seconds.

"Oh my God."

"What is that?"

"Geez."

"Eew."

"Lorita? It's me. You are so NOT going to believe this!"

"Oh, myyyyy..."

"WHAT THE HELL?"

"Val? Honey? You'd better sit down and take a look at this."

Before Facebook has a chance to delete the photos, the whole Burg knows, and everyone is loving this. Thank God for social media, and, of course, modern technology. Joe Morelli gapes at his computer. Vinnie Plum giggles. Connie and Lula try not to laugh. Stephanie Plum's eye starts to twitch.

And Ranger is in the wind.


	3. Fig Apple Banana Peels?

**Fig. Apple. Banana Peels?**

Painful humiliation. Cruel realization. The shadowy unpleasant smell of sex and betrayal. The neighbors, quietly hidden behind their ugly flowery curtains, are all watching. Helen holds her head high and her dignity together. She forbids her hands to shake. No, she's not going to cry. Though she wants to. And she needs to. She's going to find a damn good lawyer. She's going to piece her life back together. She's going to be happy. She's going to take a deep breath and get it over with. She's going to...She's going to...She wishes she knows what else to do. A purpose. A goal. A reason. A motive. An identity. Suddenly she feels so lost. But no, she's not going to give in. She's a good woman. She deserves better than this. She closes her eyes for a second, and then sets the pile of whiskey-soaked clothes on fire. Frank's shirts. Frank's pants. Frank's socks. Frank's blanket and pillow. Frank's underwear. Frank's lies. Frank's excuses. Frank's wishes and needs. She's done being Mrs. Plum. She doesn't even know when she has stopped dreaming.

Edna Mazur stands on the porch watching. Nope, she can't say she was surprised. Of course she has heard about the legendary love triangle. She has friends everywhere. And here, in this part of town, lonely talkative little old ladies know everyone's history. And she's never told Helen about this. It was the love story of the last century. The most beautiful girl in the neighborhood torn between two tall dark handsome boys. All is fair in love and war. At the end of the day, we all have to make a choice. The winner smiled his trademark charming smile and happily kissed his bride. The loser went away that very night and joined the Army. Time changed everything. Joe Morelli's Dad turned into a mean drunk and died young. Stephanie's Dad eventually came home, settled down, and lost all his sparks. But you never forget your first love. Yeah, talk about cliché. Edna shakes her head and comes to stand by Helen's side.

"Oh, Mother. How could he?" Helen's lips start to quaver, and she finally cries.

"It's gonna be okay." Edna wraps her thin arms around her heartbroken daughter. Good riddance. She never likes Frank.


	4. Everything Under The Sun

**Everything Under The Sun**

Oh no. This is so not happening again. Stephanie Plum numbly thinks as she hastily takes a really deep breath. It's just another day in her officially fucked-up life. It's just another one of her crazy dangerous murderous skips. The foul smell of the Delaware River is familiar, unmistakable, and, somehow, almost welcoming. The only difference is that she's now engaged to Joe, and Ranger isn't here.

Well, he has no reason to stick around, does he? He's a mercenary that co-owns a successful money-making company, and he doesn't do relationship. But she needed something stable and wanted to feel secure, and he did give her his blessing. Silently. The way he smiled at her when she told him she's going to get married. The warmth of his hands when he cupped her face and wiped away her tears. No. He didn't kiss her and there was no need to say anything. He's too smart to do stupid things. She was too much a coward not to believe in first love, fate, and destiny. Everything was decided the day she followed Joe into that dark dirty garage. Finders keepers. You broke it, you bought it. The myth about girls and the boys who took their virginity.

Stephanie closes her eyes and holds her breath. The water is colder than she remembers and this time she knows she's going to die. Life sucks. Joe is mad at everyone. No one knows she has been kidnapped. She was going to quit her job a month before their wedding. Her lungs start burning. Maybe it's easier to give up but she's afraid to give in. She doesn't want to let go of her hope. Something touches her legs. She instinctively opens her mouth to scream. Water floods in. She struggles frantically. The rope around her wrists tightens. Her head becomes dizzy. She knows she's losing the fight, the war, and the battle.

How she wishes Ranger is here...


	5. Thou Shalt Not Cheat

**Thou Shalt Not Cheat**

Frank Plum jumps into the river. Nope, he didn't think. He was driving aimlessly around when he accidentally witnessed the scene. The water is dirty and cold; he can barely see a thing. He has to find Stephanie. He was an excellent swimmer when he was young and fit and still in the Army. It was freaking hot the day they took Val and Stephanie to the beach. He bought the girls ice cream. Helen complained first about the heat and then about loud and somewhat rude crowd, but she couldn't stop smiling. It was the first time Stephanie saw the sea. Her eyes were so wide, so clear, and so blue, and she giggled like an angel while trying to chase a seagull, and she tripped and fell. He held Stephanie close to his heart till she stopped crying, and bought her another ice cream.

They say first love never dies. A part of him will always love Angie. He misses Helen's cooking. Yes, he regrets what he did. He made a terrible mistake and now he's paying the price. He will do whatever he can. Even if he dies trying. Soon he will run out of time and air. He's not the muscular young man he used to be. His heart is about to burst.

He has to save Stephanie.


	6. Tomorrow Is Another Day

**Tomorrow Is Another Day**

No one says a word. The silence is thick. There's nothing anyone can do. All they need is a miracle right now. Helen can't stop trembling. She wants to shout at someone. She wants to know, "Why me?" But she doesn't even have the strength to pray and she doesn't even know if she still believes in the Almighty God. She has sent Albert home. Someone has to take care of the girls. Valerie didn't cry, and Helen is grateful of that. No one bothered to call Joe Morelli, but he showed up anyway. Helen, for the 1000th times, wonders what Stephanie saw in him. A part of her vaguely realizes that she ,too, is to be blamed.

Helen clasps her hands tighter. Frank had a heart attack, she was told. Stephanie may suffer from lack of oxygen. Brain damage. Or death. Helen wants to cry. But she has no tears left. It was't Joe's fault. But somehow she still wants to slap his face. "Where were you?" She wants to ask. "Why weren't you there to save her?" But she keeps her silence.

She's just too tired.


	7. The Monkey's Paw

**The Monkey's Paw**

This is not how the story is supposed to end. And suddenly he has started losing hair. The bald spot grows larger every day. Alopecia areata. AA. Yeah, he googled it. He's been under a lot of stress. He hasn't had sex since he saw his mother's naked body on Mrs. Plum's Facebook page. The desire and the need didn't actually go away. But the trauma is too strong and too deep to overcome, and every time he looked into Stephanie's eyes, his hard-on automatically melted away. Like the Snowman. Like garlic butter. Like candle wax. Frank Plum's hairy torso. Frank Plum's purple peni—

No.

No.

No.

Better not to think of that again. They both knew things would never be the same. They'd tried, tried, and tried again. Why should children be punished for the sins of their parents? Why should parents be punished for the sins of their children? Love is the only answer. Love is the light. Love is the path. He knew Stephanie couldn't stop thinking of his mother's sagging breas—

Joe Morelli slaps himself in the head. People turn to stare at him. He wishes he could say he doesn't care. He hasn't spoken to his mother. He just couldn't muster enough courage. His mother has been a widow for too many years. His father was not exactly an ideal husband. Grandma Bella knows nothing. Nothing at all. His sister burst into tears. His elder brother opened his mouth but had nothing to say. He himself drank another beer. A part of him wants to laugh it over with. A part of him wants to get laid. And now Stephanie is dying. So is her father. Helen has cancelled everything. There probably won't be a wedding. He and Stephanie have been keeping a polite distance between each other. They have stopped trying to talking about this. They have stopped having dinner at Pino's and watching hockey games together. It was simply awkward.

But somehow they are still engaged.

And he wasn't there when she needed him the most. He didn't even know she had been kidnapped. He didn't warn her about her job and all the crazy dangerous people. He's a cop, for Christ's sake. It's hard not to feel guilty. Should he be held responsible? He sits there, trying to pray, but just can't concentrate. He's afraid to ask any more questions. Why can't people stop staring? AND WHERE THE FUCKING HELL IS RANGER? He was supposed to always be there when Stephanie made yet another foolish careless mistake and catch her when she stumbled and fell. And when the two tall big men finally got out of their badass company SUV and jumped into the river, everything was too late. Too too late. How he wishes he could grab hold of Ranger's black shirt and punch him in the face. For that fucking Manoso is the one who keeps feeding Stephanie all the wrong kinds of ideas over the years. And everyone thinks that he, Joe Morelli, Trenton police detective, knows nothing about all the stolen kisses—

Frank Plum's purple penis. His mother's sagging breasts.

Joe Morelli snarls and smashes a fist against the waiting room wall. And thus breaks several bones in his hand. Life sucks? indeed.


	8. Glass Menagerie

**Glass Menagerie**

Angie Morelli holds her chin high and her spine rigid. She was once beautiful. She is still proud. And she regrets nothing. She never likes Helen—and both her daughters—to begin with. Frank has changed a lot over the years. But his eyes remain the same whenever he looks at her. Silent. Passionate. Warm. Eloquent. She knew she'd made a terrible mistake the first time her late husband slapped her. She should have chosen the other man. Her life could have been different. She would have been happier. She wants to let go of the shopping cart, get away from all those watchful eyes, and rush to Frank's side. She wants to grab hold of Frank's hand. She wants to kiss Frank's tender lips. She wants to tell Frank what an amazing lover he is. All her in-laws have stopped talking to her. They still drop by almost everyday to check on Bella. But they won't even look at her or acknowledge her existence. They treat her like the infamous Jersey air. They don't bother to hide their disgust. She has been cut off from the grapevine of gossip. Her own daughter refuses to answer her calls. And Joe no longer comes over for dinner.

She doesn't know what to say to Joe. She feels this constant urge to explain herself. She wishes she can, somehow, make Joe understand. Everyone knows his father was a mean bastard. Everyone knows how hard she'd worked to make life easier. Doesn't she deserve a little happiness? She's a mother, a daughter-in-law. But she's also a woman. She, too, has needs. She, too, wants to be loved. She has never ever stopped loving Frank. And deep down inside, she is still that beautiful sexy girl. People—neighbors and strangers, friends, families and foes—have seen her naked pictures on Helen Plum's Facebook wall. So what? Let the one among you who has never sinned throw the first stone!

Angie takes several calming breaths and then blinks back the sudden tears. She has things to shop and chores to do. She will go to the hospital to visit Frank. Before it's too late. She no longer gives a damn what other people—or Joe, her favorite child of the three—think. Frank is dying.

And it was all Stephanie's fault.


	9. Yellow Submarine

**Yellow Submarine**

Frank Plum's heart stops. Its last struggle has eternally failed. Frank Plum's widow bursts into tears. Frank Plum's lover lets out a shriek. Frank Plum's younger daughter is still fighting for her life. Joe Morelli catches his mother as she faints. Helen Plum tries to cope with her sudden grief. She said not a word when Angie Morelli came in and sit down near the corner. A part of her knew all along Frank wouldn't make it. Now she has to make arrangements for his funeral. There will be no open-casket viewing. Someone has to go to the motel to pick up Frank's things. Someone has to stay here in the hospital waiting for news on Stephanie's condition. She doesn't want to go home. She want to be near Stephanie. She wants to be left alone. She wants to stop crying. She wants to stop loving Frank, her dead cheating husband. She wants to embrace him for being so brave. She wants to slap him for being so foolish. She wants to punch Angie Morelli in the face. She wants to choke Angie Morelli with bare hands. She has killed someone before. She's never a violent person. She doesn't want the world to see her tears. She's never told anyone what she did to save Stephanie. It was so long ago. It felt so unreal. Frank is dead and now she has to inform all their friends and relatives.

Valerie arrives, crying. Albert blinks, trying to say something. Helen hugs her first born child. Frank used to be a handsome man. He smiled and carefully held Valerie in his arms. She was so tiny. They were so happy. And Helen thought her life was now complete. A child. A house. A husband. A car. A cat. What else would she need? She had everything. Everything. Love. Laughter. Memories. Another child. Another car. Heartbreak. And betrayal. Oh, the day she lost her cat. Ah, the day her father died. Stephanie's divorce. Valerie's divorce. And now this. Helen Plum closes her eyes briefly and takes a deep deep breath. She stepped so hard on the gas pedal and ran over that freaking rabbit. She saved Stephanie.

_Okay, I can handle this. _


	10. Casablanca

**Casablanca**

She wakes up, blinking slowly, staring at the ceiling. She can't quite remember anything. She has no idea where she is. Names, places, dates, faces. They mean almost nothing to her. People in white robes come and go. People talk and weep. People smile and ask too many strange questions. She feels like she's still drowning. She has no memory of the past few years. It's the result of her brain damage. She is recently divorced. She has been shamelessly cheated. Once again she's the black sheep of her family. But that's okay. She still has her job. She now has her own apartment. The bedroom is small but the rent is cheap. One day, one day she'll finally win the lottery.

For some unknown reason she doesn't want to ask about her father. For some unknown reason she's afraid to look her mother in the eyes. What the HELL has happened to her elder sister? Who the heck is that eager little man? Val got divorced and then married again? Why? How? When? She's so confused. Her head starts to ache. She's bone-tired and exhausted. She dares not fall asleep. What if she wakes up tomorrow morning and suddenly forgets her own name? And what is Joe Morelli doing here?

"Cupcake," He tries to say but falls silent instead.

He isn't supposed to be here. Her mother has made herself brutally clear. He was told that Stephanie can't remember anything between them. He was asked to leave Stephanie alone. She's in a fragile state. He's here to grab his chance. He has invested too much. He can't just give up. And she did accept his ring. And they were actually in love. Well, he's not lying to himself. He is—was—whatever—the winner of the game. He was going to be the happy groom. He was this close to his dream. Average life. Ordinary peace. Small happiness. Everyday wonders. Sweet, sweet home. Beautiful kids. But now she's looking at him as if he's a hairy roach or something extremely unpleasant and equally nasty. The distrust and disgust in her misty blue eyes stab through his heart like a sharpest knife. He's no longer the man she'd been sharing her bed with, he suddenly realizes. He's the dirty rude sneaky rat bastard who took her virginity and wrote it all out on men's public bathroom walls. He's the cheap asshole who threatened to sue her for his broken leg. He's the sly little jerk who tricked and molested her that hot stuffy summer day.

"Cupcake," He tries again.

She grabs something from the bedside table and throws it at his head. "Get out." She hisses. "And don't you EVER call me that again."

He stands up and leaves. He knew she was going to yell. He didn't know what else to do. It was better to play it safe. There was no need to take the risk. He can always come back when she's calmer and more stable. He can always try again. There is always tomorrow. Yes, tomorrow. Tomorrow he will have another chance. With the help of her favorite pizza. And a box of her favorite donuts. Yes, tomorrow he will stand a better chance. And maybe, maybe, when he wakes up tomorrow, everything will come back to normal and Stephanie will be herself again. With a small happy smile he gets into his car and pulls away.

With longing eyes Stephanie Plum looks at the plastic chair beside her narrow hospital bed. She's waiting for someone to be here. Who is that someone? She has no idea.


End file.
